okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
