You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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