he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
