Im at strip club and am horny
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
