She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
