Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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