if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Oh god it's open bar.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
