my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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