shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Randomize
