Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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