Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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