just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
