You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
