I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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