I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
