I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
