I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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