I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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