That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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