Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
