you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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