is your mom at the bar?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
