Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
