I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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