i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
