i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
