Is it normal to miss your booty call?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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