I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my shit smells like andre
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
