fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
