I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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