Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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