there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
