I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
