When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
