you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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