She is in my trunk
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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