thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
