that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
