I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
