She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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