Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
