Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
