i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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