Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I had to cum in my sink.
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