My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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