Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
