i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
