meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
