This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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