my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
please don't ironically join a cult
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