im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
