Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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