I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
