i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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