I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had to cum in my sink.
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