she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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