I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
porn star boner night. come get it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
