Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
