I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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