if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
