i permit you to call me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize