There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize