If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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